i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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