ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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