Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
