Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
