"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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