Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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