Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
