I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
