sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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