i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
