I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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