my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
