are you still at the devil's house?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
