Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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