I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
