Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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