Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
