we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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