OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Randomize
