Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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