i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
