I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
