I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
