you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
