I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
