god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Boobs speak an international language.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I lost the right to judge tonight
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
