Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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