Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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