she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The uberlube is also flammable
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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