Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
