Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
