My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
