Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
the gays at disneyland are vicious
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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