i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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