i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
