after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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