how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Two words: blizzard sex
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
