im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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