if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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