My boss' voice literally gives me gas
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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