Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
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