These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
