if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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