You made me cry and you don't even care
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
