i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
