Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
