Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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