dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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