He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
