i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
